The Fading

A year ago today, the fading began.

I had never in my entire life watched a human being fade away. It is unreal. If you have ever watched a sunset, I mean really watched it, from the time it reaches the horizon to its complete descent, it is sort of like that. One minute its bright and warm and beaming and the next it is just gone. At the beginning it looks like nothing is happening and then it disappears…as if your mind made up that is was really even there to begin with.

March 12th, 2020 was not the same for all of us. Yes it was the beginning of a world wide lockdown for a global pandemic, (something I could not fathom would happen in my lifetime,) but for some of us it was also the beginning of two of the hardest weeks of our lives. I had started a journal on this exact day one year ago…I only wrote in it for one day…here is an an excerpt…

“My Mom is currently in the hospital dying. Ready to go home to die. I am not sure I am prepared to do this. I cannot believe she has spent her whole life in misery and she will die that way too. Unfathomable to me. I can only pray that her journey is quick and peaceful although I know it will not be.”

Several times this week I have had a lump in my throat. It comes out of nowhere, I have no idea when it will happen. Grief is definitely an uninvited guest. Shows up whether you want it to our not. Ironically there are certain times of the year this happens in regards to memories of my Dad too. This lump is Mom. This lump is a memory my mind will forever hold on to. Our brains are really good at that. My therapist says it is because “the tissues hold the issues.” Meaning that our bodies hold on to the pain, the suffering. Like a forever memory that comes in and out. It is amazing to me the ways in which it can manifest itself and when it chooses to do so. It will not matter where I am in the world or if I even knew what day it was, my body will remember this forever. I won’t need a journal entry or a Facebook “on this day last year,” my body will remind me. I may be smiling on the outside but it literally feels like my heart could explode in a thousand million pieces.

A year ago today the fading of the most profound being in my life began. The next two weeks are going to be very painful. I have a few things planned to try to help with that but it will be there, this memory, going along for the ride. There are so many things I wish I had done with her. So many places I wish I could have taken her that she could have seen, that she could have done. I can only carry her to those places in my heart now.

This fading…this disappearing…it is an uncomfortable dance of holding on and letting go.

For reasons I cannot explain, when I hear this song, it reminds me of the fading. It is achingly painful and beautiful at the same time.